Well hello, it’s been a while.

Holy shit, it’s been years i figure. Haven’t checked it out yet, but it’s probably the same shit I had going before…. complete bullshit is what it all is. Don’t want to go into what I’ve been up to, what has changed, what i’m doing. So ya, this is all about nothing.

I’m just lonely I guess. Times are fucking hard. Working for myself, with legs planted on opposite sides of the fence. Seasons change and I’m fucked. Work gets cut in half, yet bills all stay the same.

To make rent I’m trying to sell some god damned Lego that a client gave me. I’m running out of time. I have surgery in less than a week, then I’ll be outta commission for a while. And I have a whole whopping $200 bucks to put towards rent. Haha, holy fuck, I’m only like $1200 short. Ugh.

I put ads up to rent my spare room, hoping to at least cover half the rent for a month or two. Trying to sell my beater truck to get some cash. Which isn’t even my money because I borrowed a grand to buy a little economical car for the winter, so I need to sell the truck to pay that back. And the car needs brakes. So I’m also looking for extra income with a part time job or something. This really sucks. Especially since I just got called to go into surgery, so even if i get a job, i’ll have to take time off to recover. FML

And it’s fucking Christmas. My mother is coming the day before my surgery on the 22nd to help me out, and be my caregiver while I recover. Which is great, but she’s a raging alcoholic and I think I’ll be more stressed about her drinking than I will be about anything. Times are fucking hard…

 

Roles n’ Goals still Undecided

In the last couple weeks I’ve had a few people say that I look fantastic, happy and in my zone. Surprisingly, last night a guy friend said to me that I always have my grumpy face on. Hmmmm, I wonder if that has anything to do with being in his company? The pressure he puts on me is intense. Where do I start…. Hmmm let’s see.

He wants me to commit to a relationship with him, and I can’t, won’t. He has a half dozen children. He has two kids that live with his first ex wife, and living with him are two teenagers (not biologically his) that are his second wife’s kids, who he separated from a half year ago, and two 6 year old twins as well.

I’ve never been a parent, but always wanted to be. I’ve gone through years of fertility treatments and IVF. In the end I just got too old, as I stopped responding to the meds. I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t bear my own children. I’m over it, but glad to have had the opportunity to at least try IVF because it is very expensive where I live. Many women never get that chance. Anyway, I’m older now, I’m single, I’m used to doing my own thing. I no longer want to be a mom. I have a dog! That is as much commitment and parenting I need.

I enjoy spending time with him and the little ones, but a few hours is enough for me. I see his parenting style, and it annoys me to no end. His motto is ‘there are no rules’. If I was to get into a parenting role with him, it would make me crazy! The twin boys (and teens) need a good female figure in their life, and I could be that. I could make their life better. But at this stage of the game I’m not sure I have the patience or the energy.

On one hand I see this as an opportunity to raise two beautiful boys like I’ve always wanted, and on the other hand, the opportunity to say goodbye to my dreams and move on with my life.

I just wish I had a clue as to where I’m headed.

A little surprise!

These yellow penis shaped mushrooms popped up in my potted kumquat.

Teehee….

Bluebird

Fantastic day! I rode until my body stopped cooperating. Snow, sunshine and old friends. It doesn’t get much better than that.

Spring Cleaning

I’ve been meaning to post more, not sure I have an excuse! I started out on this blog again, full of good intention, determined to write about positive changes, uplifting life stories. But man alive, it’s hard to stay positive while life is so darn hard on me. Haha.

Let’s see where I’m at right this moment.

Just this morning I respectfully said goodbye to a short lived text relationship with a guy from way back, who in return responded by saying I needed help and that I’m acting like an 18 year old. I’m trying not to take it personally, as I know he is just trying to deflect the attention away from himself, and is avoiding any responsibility for his actions or lack thereof. I’m sure that he hasn’t been honest with me, as he is living with his wife and kid, although he assured me that they are only together for financial reasons. Please, spare me…. He only texts while he is away at work during the week, and his phone is mysteriously unreachable when on days off at home? When I questioned him about this, he replies that I’m paranoid and need help. I’m not ‘crazy’ as he is so quick to label, I’m just smarter than he likes to admit. I was a side thing; something to play with when he got bored. I was stupid enough, (although I don’t like to call myself stupid or beat myself up about it) but I was stupid enough to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust his words and allow him to sweet talk me. Trust, bah humbug. Anyway, it’s done now, I said goodbye. Luckily it was before he came to see me. Although I doubt that him saying he would visit was said with any true intention. And if he has to put any negative on me for calling it quits, and spin it to be something with a bad vibe, that’s all on him, not me. I said goodbye without any negativity, name calling, or blaming. I wished him the best and did it out of a sense of kindness and love.

Ok, so that’s done.

Now then, what next?

Questions:

What did I do right?
What could I have done better?
What did I learn?

Answers:

I opened up and trusted someone again. And when my gut instincts told me something was amiss, I listened. I said goodbye to him as nice and lovingly as I could.

I could have NOT responded to his negative and labelling text, instead just let my nice goodbye and well wishes be the last he heard from me. Instead my ego stood up tall and started defending itself… ugh. I should’ve walked away from further texting with him immediately after I found out he was still living with his wife.

I learned that you can’t hold someone up to being who they used to be. Time changes people, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. I learned to not rush into something, especially when it comes to texting, sexting… whatever. Not a good idea. I also learned that attention for attention sake is not a good thing.

Out with the weeds… I’m ready for some flowers.

I have the list. Now what?

Silver

Picture of the night

Who am I that…

People, strangers, always seem to sense in me my openness, my interest in energy and spirituality. I get approached and spoken to about things that the average person would think ‘loopy’. Yet every time I am blessed by these random people, we both walk away more enlightened. Our energy must be on the same vibration, and we instantly connect. Twice this week I’ve had the pleasure of meeting two such people. One was an older lady, probably mid 80’s, and after speaking with her for some time she thanked me. She said that she really needed to see me today, to clear the negative energy that was bringing her down. Our paths crossed for a reason. Again today, I met an older gentleman, a regular joe, who surprised me by talking quantum physics. I’m like a magnet for these people. I love it.

It’s been 4 years.

I started this site almost 4 years ago; almost to the day! And I never used it at all! But I had been updating things on the PC today, old emails etc, when I found a confirmation to this page. I had completely forgotten about it!

I think this year holds a lot of positive things for me. I’m going to work hard towards moving forward, not giving myself much time to look back.

I’ve been married since; now separated. I’m starting over, reacquainting myself with me, taking time to get the picture of who what where I want to be. I think I’m ready to start living again, get the ball rolling, creating my ideal.

My time is now.

Tales from a chairlift